Sunrise
by Shoobilydoobily
Summary: Kakashi thinks he's seen it all. KakaSaku, post-war, Kakashi POV.


A/N: This started out originally as a character study of sorts of Kakashi. I've always found his story very compelling and I've always wanted to do something in his POV. This was never meant to be a romantic story until I reread the Fourth Shinobi War arc and I was intrigued by the idea of a relationship between Kakashi and Sakura. So this is my attempt at exploring Kakashi's psyche a little further and creating a happy ending for him.

This is my first foray into telling a story in present tense and it is unbetaed, so please forgive all grammatical errors. I wanted to challenge myself and experiment with a different way to tell a story.

* * *

I've lived through two wars and the in-betweens that pretends to be peace. The one where peace exists only in the mouths of politicians and embossed papers in fancy scrolls. Where war is being waged in the underground andit fools no one, least of all the shinobi who know nothing has changed. But we are tools and we don't know any better or any different, so we continue to follow orders.

I've buried too many friends and teammates. I've watched them take their last breaths, that last ragged cough of words trying to spill out and then nothing. If I look closely enough, I can see the life drain out of their eyes. And I mourn for a second – if I'm lucky. If I'm lucky, I might have a second to remember them and their noble sacrifice. I'm luckier yet if I manage to bring what's left of them home, even if it's not muchbecause "Now, at least, we have something to bury".

I thought I had seen it all.

(-)

I've been gored, poisoned and impaled – it's really alarming how many times it's happened to me. I've had my insides rearranged by explosions and I've been disemboweled once. Nothing feels quite as surreal as holding your warm, slimy insides in your hands. Broken arms and legs seem tame in comparison.

I've been stabbed, speared, and burned. Yes, burning human flesh really does smell like roast pork. And yes, growing new skin hurts like hell. They take a healthy sample from another part of your body, lay it on the burn and force feed it chakra to speed its growth. Afterwards, once the new skin has taken hold, it starts to itch like hell and it never really feels the same again. Even now, the skin on my right arm isn't the same shade as pale as the rest of my body.

I've lost my left eye in battle. I felt the enemy's blade split it clean in half. And later as I hunch over to remove what's left of my eyeball from its socket, _because fuck it – I'm not dying from a goddamn infection,_ I could have sworn I felt the two halves fall on my palm and slip onto the ground. Can I still be a shinobi with one eye? I didn't have to ponder the question for long because I was given a replacement that held more power than I could have imagined.

I thought I had seen it all.

(-)

I've cried myself to sleep too many times to count and I've woken up covered in cold sweat, my throat raw from the screaming. I've been plagued by their faces, one half crushed by rock, the other with my arm through her heart, lightning crackling and sputtering around us. Sometimes they are begging me for help but I can't seem to reach them. I run and run until my head swims and my legs ache, but I never ever reach them. Other times they stare at me with eyes full of unbridled hate. _Why were you the one who survived? You should have died in our places!_ I've agreed with them each time. Why am I here? Why, after all my failures and transgressions, have I always been the one who survived? It's my punishment.

Despite all that, I've made my peace with my lot in life. Or at least I think I have until I see my best friend standing with the enemy in the battle for the world. I know that sharingan anywhere. I have its partner in my skull. I thought the guilt and self-loathing I lived with for all these years couldn't feel worse. I was so wrong. But Naruto does what I've never been able to do. Him and that damned spirit of his, that damned spirit that encourages and motivates and makes you just want to follow him to ends of the earth. For all my genius and talent, it is something that eludes me. It isn't something that can be copied or learned. It is so quintessentially Naruto. I envy him. I owe him. If it weren't for Naruto, Obito would have been lost to the darkness forever. He saved my best friend when all I could do was despair. And at the end of the war, we've defeated one deity and stood before another along with all the ancestors of the shinobi world.

I really thought I had seen it all.

(-)

Sakura comes to me in the middle of the night after Naruto and Sasuke's inevitable battle. Even though we've saved the world and true peace has finally settled on the broken lands, battle instincts cannot be turned off so easily. A shinobi who isn't a light sleeper is a dead one. I hear her shuffled footsteps, cautiously treading over slumbering bodies. Then I smell her sweat and it's laced with a slight hint of mint and something floral. She crouches down next to me and lays one cool hand on my forehead. The green glow of healing chakra filters through my closed eyelids.

"Sakura, you should save your chakra for-"

"Shhh, let me do this for you, sensei."

I comply.

She unzips my flak jacket gingerly and slices through the layers of my clothing with chakra enhanced fingers to find the souvenirs of my battle with Obito. I hear the rustling of metal against metal. I tense because I've been in the field for too long and it sounds too much like enemy kunai. But I'm too tired to fight it and I think I wouldn't mind if I just went to sleep right now and never woke up again.

"I'm going to remove these stitches, OK?"

"OK."

The cool metal of her surgical scissors against my skin makes me jump slightly. She chuckles. In the quietness after the cacophony of war, her laughter is like a balm.

"Ticklish, sensei?"

My professional pride bristles. But I've been fighting for days on end with little sleep and food. My best friend wasn't dead like I thought he was and before I can reconcile that new reality, he dies to save my life _again._ My head is spinning so hard I think I have whiplash so I let it slide.

"I wasn't expecting to be prodded by a medic so soon, that's all." I murmur.

"Right…" She sounds amused.

Sakura removes the stitches deftly, checks for any internal bleeding and seals up the wound as best as her drained reserves will let her. She wipes up the twin lacerations on my chest with antiseptic. Someone has already give me something for the pain but the cool liquid makes me shiver. She chuckles again.

She pushes my flak jacket off my shoulders and grabbing what's left of my shirt at my armpits, hauls me off the tree I was sleeping against to lean towards her.

"I'm going to wrap you up and heal you later when I have more chakra, OK?"

I nod obediently and lean forward a little more to rest my forehead on her shoulder as she wound linen bandages around my torso. I hope she doesn't mind her old sensei taking some liberties. The back of my neck breaks out in goose pimples and I tell myself that it's because of the chill in the air and not because I can feel her breath on my bare skin.

When she's done, she presses a chaste kiss on my cheek and leans me back gently against my tree.

"Take it easy, OK?"

"Yes, ma'am." I lift my arm in a mock salute and that garners a small laugh.

"Good night, sensei."

"Good night, Sakura-chan."

After she turns around, I crack open my eyes to watch her slide gracefully towards the triage tents in the middle of our makeshift campsite. Even though her chakra is nearly spent, Sakura's back is straight and her hands are determined fists by her side. Tsunade may have given Sakura her medical lineage but that inner strength she bears is all her own. I watch the moonlight turn that shock of pink hair a lavender as she kneels suddenly to check on a shinobi moaning in his sleep. She places her hands on his chest, brows furrowed and teeth clenched in concentration. The green glow around her hands dims and then it sputters into nothing. Sakura mutters a curse and drops her head in defeat. Then she sighs, gets up and makes her way into the tents – her back still straight. That simpering little girl is no more. In her place is a woman, proud and strong.

I thought I had seen it all.

(-)

Sakura comes to me a few months after the war has ended. Sasuke is still being held by the interrogation squad. Tsunade doesn't have the same relationship with the young man as the rest of Team 7 does, and so she doesn't feel like doing him any favors. Sasuke doesn't grouse – he understands that his continued existence is guaranteed only by Naruto's very vocal protests. But Naruto isn't a politician. Neither is Tsunade, kami knows, but she knows she must be one and the other kages must be appeased. So Sasuke remains in interrogation. Naruto grumbles loudly to anyone who will listen and seems painfully oblivious to the fact that most of the others aren't as eager to forgive as he is.

Sakura has no such delusions. She is a smart woman, after all. She suffers Naruto's angry complaints and optimistic declarations (" _he'll be out next month, believe it!")_ patiently. She endures Sasuke's stony silence as he tries to process the loss of his arm, his return, Konoha's refusal to officially declare Itachi a hero and well… everything that happened in the years he was gone.

"Sensei, what will happen to him now?"

"I don't know, Sakura." The other kages are wary of Sasuke and rightfully so. I know for a fact that the Raikage has demanded his execution. The others, even Gaara, are in favor of a very lengthy imprisonment. But Sakura doesn't need to know that.

"You once said that it was protocol to eliminate him…" Her voice quivers and something ugly twists in the pit of my chest.

"If they were going to execute him, they would have already."

"Sensei, you and I both know that's not true."

She gives me a sad smile and a knowing look. That ugly thing twists again and I nod mutely. She's no longer a child and I should know better than to try to lie to her. I open my mouth to say something but she beats me to the punch.

"Thanks for trying to make me feel better."

She lunges forward to thread her arms through the space between my arms and sides. The hug takes me by surprise and I can't help but stiffen. She doesn't notice or she doesn't care and buries her face into my flak jacket. My arms move on their own accord to wrap around her. The last woman I held in my arms was Rin.

I thought I had seen it all.

(-)

Sakura comes to me a year after the war with a big wooden box. There's a big smile on her face and a mischievous glint in her eyes as she surveys my current predicament.

How I got roped into the highest shinobi office of Konoha, I'm not quite sure. Obito's words were prophetic despite my fervent efforts to avoid it. I dodged the bullet once but I guess I wasn't quite lucky enough to dodge it a second time. Tsunade had had enough of the responsibilities of the office and wanted to continue with her research on her grandfather's cells. But Naruto is still a child and he has a tendency to speak before he engages his brain. It doesn't take long for the Council to decide that someone else must take up the helm first. I'm not surprised when Naruto accepts their decision and declares that he will be the seventh hokage instead. He's grown monumentally since his troubled academy days. But I'm stunned when at the next meeting with the daimyo regarding possible candidates, I hear Sakura's voice above everyone else's.

"I nominate Hatake Kakashi as Rokudaime Hokage."

Naruto woops his agreement, Shikamaru's lazy assent follows and then the rest of the room bursts out in unanimous approval. And just like that, I am now hokage. It doesn't matter that I don't feel remotely qualified or worthy. I've served my village without question. I've served it without a thought for myself. So when Tsunade whispers in my ear as she hands me the damned hat, "Hatake, it's OK to be selfish every so often", I'm not sure what to make of it.

So here I am, standing in my office like a scarecrow in the fields as the elderly tailor makes adjustments to the heavy robe I'm wearing. It is stifling, cumbersome, and restricts my movement too much. Now I understand why my own sensei eschewed the traditional robes for something more lightweight and relaxed. I tug at the layers of fabric pooled around my neck and the tailor slaps my hand away. I fight the urge to chidori him into next week.

Sakura is eyeing me in my new attire and suddenly the room is a few degrees warmer. She puts her finger on her chin and pushes her bottom lip up into a mocking frown as she studies me carefully.

Sweat prickles the back of my neck and knees. I've always blended in and disappeared into the shadows. My business is secrecy and stealth - even if my name is whispered with dread and respect in all four corners of the shinobi world. It's an entirely different experience to be hokage and have everyone look at you and to you. I decide that I really, really dislike being the center of attention.

"Sakura, please don't tell me you're here to have a good laugh at my expense…"

"I'm not here just to laugh at you, _Hokage-sama_." The teasing lilt in her voice and stifled giggles unfurls something warm in my chest.

"I find that hard to believe." She can't see my pout but she hears it in my voice and giggles some more.

"Well, maybe just a little bit."

She winks at me and I beam at her.

"How are you doing, Sakura?"

It was supposed to be an innocent question but something in her demeanor changes. Even a genin would have noticed the subtle slip in her smile and the wistful look that flashes in her eyes. She drops her gaze to her boots and doesn't answer. I grab the tailor by the elbow and usher him to the door. I've had enough of being a pincushion for today anyways. He clucks and goes into a tirade about his damn needles and I close the door on his face before the itch to chidori him resurfaces.

"I don't know what I was thinking." She scoffs.

"Aa…"

Sasuke left the village the moment I pardoned him on my first day as Hokage. She had asked to go with him and despite that ugly twist in my chest, I stood and did nothing. And when he refused, I exhaled a breath I hadn't realized I was holding.

"Asking to go with him. That was stupid."

"Well, you've been in love with him since you were a little girl."

"If that's love, I don't want it."

"…What?"

"I don't know what true love is, Kakashi. But if that's it, I don't want it. Don't get me wrong – I still care very deeply for Sasuke. But that wasn't love, it was a childish obsession."

Her declaration surprises me. Even after Sasuke tried to kill her twice, Sakura had been unwavering in her devotion to him. There was no mercy and no hesitation when he came at her - first with his chidori, then with his blade. And yet, she loved him still. I remember the nights I sat on her roof, listening as she wept herself to sleep. I remember her defending him against the men and women who would whisper _traitor_ under their breaths whenever his name was mentioned. I remember her words to him after he had announced his intentions to kill Naruto. There was nothing she could do but cry and proclaim that she still loved him. Even then, all she wanted to do was to shoulder all of Sasuke's hate and pain for him. Even then, she believed that if he just came home to her, everything would go back to the way they were before. I had shaken my head in utter disbelief. _How could you still love him after all he's done to you?_

Sakura sighs and lifts her head to look me square in the eyes. There's something heavy weighing her down, some deep swirl of emotion that crashes and tumbles in those liquid eyes. But she holds my gaze and I'm surprised that I see no shame in her eyes. Anger, definitely. Disappointment, yes. But she isn't ashamed.

There's no trace of that foolish little girl in the woman that stands before me now.

"Sakura, I-"

She quickly diverts.

"Anyways! I didn't come here to talk about those things. I brought you a gift!"

I guess this is the end of this conversation for today. Even Sai would know that the smile plastered on her face right now is fake. But now it's not the time to push her and so I go along with the diversion.

Sakura thrusts the heavy box at me and I don't know what to make of it. It's been a week since I took up this position and gifts from all over the shinobi world are piled in my office. I could give a flying fuck about opening presents that my assistants say I should but this, this makes my palms sweaty and my heart race.I make a show of cracking the lid, peering inside warily and then slamming it shut quickly. She snorts an admonishment but that is soon replaced by a real smile.

"Just open it already!"

Who am I to disobey my favorite kunoichi?

I fling the lid open and find an olive green and gray vest in the box. I pick it Sakura's gift to examine it closely. The material is strong like Kevlar but it stretches and moves like cotton. A single piece of molded metal makes up the shoulder guards and high collar. While the old flak jackets were made of padded canvas and offered little protection, its successor is a perfect mix of pragmatism and style. I turn it over and emblazoned on the back are two letters in red that merely said Sixth Fire.

"Do you like it?"

"I-"

"I had it specially made for you! I've been collaborating with R&D to make new jackets that will give more protection than the old flak jackets. It will turn away shuriken and most kunai attacks. It won't prevent a direct stabbing but some protection is better than none. Oh! The metal collar will help protect your neck too. Shinobi tend to prefer going for the throat. We see that a lot in the hospital. One of the fastest ways to kill, but I guess you probably already knew that… Anyways, I called in a favor and had them make the hokage's first. I know you have ANBU guards all the time but you just never know. I mean, Tsunade-sama is the first hokage not to die while in office after all. Although she's come close several times… Anyways, I know how you hate all this pomp and I knew you would prefer something other than those stuffy old robes-"

She's babbling and I know it's because she really wants me to like it and she wants me to say so. But the lump in my throat won't budge.

"Sensei?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you like it?"

"Sakura," I breathe, "I love it."

She smiles brightly and oh kami, that smile.

"Here, let me help you put it on."

Before I can answer, she's already helping me out of those oppressive robes. She sets the hat on my desk and moves to unzip my flak jacket. We both know I'm perfectly capable of changing my own clothes, but she wants to help me anyways. It seems so strangely intimate to let someone else dress you and because intimacy of any kind scares me, my subconscious is telling me to knock Sakura out and _run for the hills._ I quash the uneasiness that bubbles in my chest and shrug off my trusty old jounin uniform.

She unsnaps the chest guard, holds it up and beckons me toward her. I ease my arms through and she fastens the snaps for me. She buckles up the belt around my waist and brushes away some imaginary lint on my shoulders.

"There."

She takes a step back and admires her handiwork. I lock my knees because I don't trust them anymore. Sharingan no Kakashi, the famous Copy Ninja and Rokudaime Hokage reduced to a pile of mush by a woman's gaze.

"You look… handsome, hokage-sama."

There's that wink again.

"Thank you, Sakura. I will cherish this greatly."

"You're welcome."

She tilts her head up to look at me and there's that crash of emotions in her eyes again. I pick out curiosity and pride but there's another that eludes me. It seems vaguely familiar and I feel as though I should know it. But it's been too long and if it was familiar once, it hasn't been for a very, very long time.

"Thanks for never leaving me, Kakashi." She murmurs.

She lifts herself up on her toes and brushes her lips on my masked nose.

"…Anytime."

She leaves the office and I'm left there wondering _what the hell just happened_. All I can hear is Tsunade's voice telling me it's OK to be selfish.

I turn to look at myself in the mirror the tailor left behind. It starts to sink in then, the armor, the office and paper laden desk behind me – I'm hokage now.

I thought I had seen it all.

(-)

Sakura comes to me a week after her 20th birthday. I may not have the sharingan anymore but I don't need one to know that she's agitated. The tension rolls off her so thickly that even Naruto is sweating bullets but he wisely keeps his mouth clamped shut for now. The nervous tapping of her fingers on my desk would make even the unflappable mountain of cool that is Shino twitchy. None of us are getting anywhere on the paperwork for the next chuunin exams and I sense Naruto's resolve slipping. I decide to take one for the team and stick my head in the lion's mouth.

"Sakura… Are you OK?"

"Kakashi, I want you to nominate me as a candidate for promotion to jounin." The words tumble out of her mouth in a rush.

 _Oh?_

Naruto and I eye each other curiously. This is the first we've heard Sakura talk about being a jounin. Naruto has already been nominated by Iruka and has been spending the last two weeks training with anyone he could drag to the training grounds. He's only here helping with the paperwork because the sooner I'm done, the sooner I can help him train.

But Sakura had seemed content to spend her days in the hospital and when she wasn't there, she was here making sure I didn't spend all my time reading smut. After Tsunade retired, I had asked Shizune to stay on as my primary assistant. She is an extremely competent administrator and a hard taskmaster when necessary. But Shizune is loyal to her mistress and so the position was left vacant because well, I never got around to appointing someone. However, when it became evident that I was drowning in trade agreements and mission requests, Sakura stepped in to make sure that none of the paperwork went missing or became delayed. And so the position of hokage's primary assistant became Sakura's in everything but name. Everyone knows of our professional relationship – past and current.

"I don't think that's fair, Sakura. I'm part of the council that decides who gets to be promoted."

"Then you can recuse yourself when it's my turn to be assessed."

"Why can't you ask someone else to nominate you? Tsunade-sama? Shizune?"

She leans forward and jabs me in the chest with her finger. "Because I want _you_ to do it."

 _Oh._

"But it's still a nomination from the hokage… The council can hardly ignore that. I can't be seen playing favorites."

Her eyes narrow, and she sticks her chin out in defiance.

 _Uh-oh._

Naruto shoots me a panicked glance.

"You don't think I'm ready to be a jounin? You think I'm asking you for a _favor?_ " Her words leave her lips in a hiss. I'm torn between my affection for her and my duties. But Sakura is a grown woman and a kunoichi and anything less than the truth is unfair to her.

"Well, I haven't seen you fight in a long time."

She glares at me and I can tell she's mulling my words over. She's still angry but something is going on in that fair head of hers. I can see the gears turning and I'm simultaneously petrified and enamored. She slams both fists on my desk.

"Fine! You and me, hokage-sama. Right now."

She grabs her gloves and leaves my office in a huff. I know exactly where she's heading but she leaves no room for doubt as she yells back.

"And bring those damn bells!"

Well, this is going to be fun. More fun than paperwork anyways. I've sparred with Naruto and Sai since my appointment as hokage but not Sakura. I have no doubt she's improved greatly and she is a war veteran now but there's a reason why medics aren't front liners or squad captains.

I reach for my wallet and toss a wad of ryou on my desk.

"Put 2000 ryou down on me."

The ANBU who had just slipped in from the window nods and makes a mark on his notepad. He leaves soon after, presumably to inform the entire village of the match between the hokage and the hospital's top medic. Kenji is probably a more avid gambler than Tsunade herself.

"Ne, are you allowed to bet on yourself, sensei?"

"I'm the Hokage. I'm allowed to whatever I want."

Naruto flashes me a malicious grin.

"You're going to get your ass handed to you."

(-)

Ten minutes into our spar, and I'm beginning to think that betting on myself was a bad idea. Sakura has gotten much faster and much stronger.

She kicks and punches hard but I dodge and pivot fast. She has yet to land a hit, but I have a feeling that if she does, that's the end of the line for me. There have been a couple of close calls – too close. I've already determined that genjutsu is out of the question. She's too smart and she saw right through the first one I tried. It wasn't particularly pleasant and some loved ones being tortured might have been involved but she shrugged it off without as much as a flinch. I'm contemplating my next move when her gloved fist _just_ grazes my jaw. _Where did that come from?_ I send a plume of flame her way but she rips up a shield of dirt and then throws it right at my head. She grins, eyes bright with mischief, and yells, "What else you got?"

We leap towards each other and the kunais in our hands clang their approval. Each blow and jab is coming faster and harder. I parry and evade and it almost feels like we're dancing. I grab Sakura's wrist to toss her but she drops to a crouch and draws her arm back to deliver a chakra punch. The sudden change in my center of gravity throws me off for just a split second. Taijutsu Principle Number 1: use the momentum of your attacker against them. And so I drop my hands and fall with her. But before Sakura's fist connects with my midsection, I twist and roll behind her. I reach and my fingers are almost at the collar of her jacket but she spins and I narrowly dodge her elbow. The crowd is going wild. And yet, even though there are hundreds of eyes upon us, this dance is ours and ours alone. Our limbs tangle and collide in a sensual choreography that is made only for us. I've felt the thrill of battle many times but this - this is new. This is dangerously intoxicating.

20 minutes later and we are still at a stalemate. My back is slick with sweat and we're both breathing hard now. A volley of metal zooms towards me and I block them with my own. It's followed by another, and another until the sound of clashing metal becomes a deafening din. Enough is enough – it's time to end this. I leap back and throw a wave of water toward her. She avoids the deluge and jumps for the safety of the treetops. She knows its game over if she gets caught in the flood. But before Sakura's toes touch the branches, a tornado is already barreling towards her. She shrieks as it catches her and tosses her up. The gusts swirl her around and I almost feel bad as I watch her try to make sense of up and down in that maelstrom. But the jutsu ends before she can extricate herself and she falls onto the ground with a loud thud. She's not moving.

 _Shit._

"Sakura!"

I run to her but the earth beneath my feet shifts. I look down just in time to see the charge of her fist towards my face.

 _Shit!_

Stars explode behind my eyes and then all I see is black.

I wake to find myself on my back, and the roars of a jubilant crowd in my ears. Sakura is standing over me, one hand on her hip, the other holding a bell that was once tied to my belt. There's a big shit eating grin on her face and she looks positively adorable.

"So, ho-ka-ge-sa-ma, will you nominate me now?"

I groan a mangled yes and the masses cheer even louder as she struts about in her victory. Naruto picks her up on his shoulders and they take off running, no doubt to announce to the entire village that the hokage just got his ass handed to him by the hospital's top medic. The irony that I was beaten by my favorite ruse isn't lost on me either. Thankfully, the crowd takes off after them and I'm left to wallow mostly on my own. My mask is wet with blood and my nose is definitely broken. I run my tongue over my teeth to make sure I still have all of them. _Yup._ Kenji helps me to my feet wordlessly and he knows enough not to say anything.

My curiosity gets the better of me though.

"How much did you win?"

"50,000 ryou."

I can almost see his smug grin through his mask.

"Kenji, get lost."

"If you say so, hokage-sama."

I make my way back to my office with my tail between my legs but to my surprise, Sakura is already there.

"Sakura, what are you doing here?"

She flashes me a guilty smile and she has the decency to blush.

"I thought I should check on you. I broke your nose, didn't I?"

"I'll be fine. You should be out there celebrating your well-earned victory." After that thrashing, all I want to do is lick my wounds in private. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't touched by her concern. It makes the beating to my ego a little easier to bear.

"I told Naruto I would be back soon. Let me see your nose."

I pause in my search of a towel in my desk drawers.

She doesn't blink and she doesn't offer an explanation.

I give her a wary look.

They call it defense mechanisms in the psychiatry department. As shinobi, we've all seen and done a lot of fucked up shit. The human psyche isn't made to endure being surrounded by violence and death every day. There's only so much shit one can withstand before something gives. Thus, everyone turns a blind eye to the ways shinobi cope with the horrors of their profession because the alternative is a straitjacket and a padded cell. Asuma smoked to take the edge off, Genma keeps the anxiety at bay by chewing on his senbon and Tsunade drinks the memories away. A mask seems completely illogical in the face of all that, I suppose, but it's the way I cope. I might be an emotional wasteland but I can at least admit that much to myself.

I hid my grief at my mother's sudden death, the shame of my father's suicide and the guilt of my failure to protect my friends behind my mask. It is the physical manifestation of the wall I built around myself. There's no room for emotions in my line of work and since being a shinobi is the only thing I'm ever meant to be, I've learned to hide my feelings in any way I can. It makes me a better soldier and a more efficient killer. But perhaps more importantly… I can't hurt anymore if I don't love anymore and I can't hurt anyone else if I don't let them in. For the longest time, I believed that my mask protected me from the world but I know it protects me from myself just as much. However, even though I've made my peace with the fact that I will always have the emotional quotient of a poodle, it doesn't mean I'm going to break out in a chorus of kumbaya anytime soon.

Sakura knows the magnitude of what she's asking but she is unyielding. She crosses her arms, returns my stare with a level gaze and waits.

We are at an impasse and we regard each other in silence for a while.

Finally, she softens and sighs.

"Kakashi, please trust me?" It sounds and feels like a plea, not for her sake but mine. I see worry and concern and that familiar emotion in her face.

I can count the number of people who have seen my face on one hand and with the exception of Tsunade, they're all dead. If it wasn't for her incredible ability to dodge the reaper, I would be tempted to think that I'm cursed. But what am I hiding now? What am I hiding from? I trust Sakura with my life and yet she doesn't even know what I look like. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a precipice and I hear her comforting voice telling me to jump.

"Kakashi, please?"

I swallow the lump in my throat.

"Trust me."

I swallow again and this time it's my fear that I swallow.

"I trust you." I whisper.

Sakura approaches me as though she's approaching a skittish foal. She's afraid I might change my mind. I'm afraid I might change my mind. But I move to sit on my chair and pull off my forehead protector as she hoists herself up to sit on my desk. I take a deep breath and pinch the fabric at the bridge of my nose. But my fingers won't move. My body won't do what my brain is telling it to do. She senses my internal struggle and takes over. She removes my hands from my face and sets them on the desk by each side of her legs.

"It's going to be OK." Sakura murmurs.

All I can do is nod. My heart is pounding and my palms are wet with sweat.

She holds my face with her delicate fingers and runs her thumb down the scar bisecting my left eyelid. She is the first one since Rin to touch that mark and I can't help but shudder. I know she felt it but I don't want to hide anymore. Her index finger slips under the edge of my mask and I feel the wet fabric sliding down further and further until it rests under my chin.

 _Here we go._

I focus on the hollow of her neck as she studies my face. I count the beats of my racing heart and I know it's only been 15 seconds. But time is strange because it feels like she's been holding my bare face for 15 minutes. A lesser man would have squirmed and a small part of me is proud that I have been able to keep my body stock still so far.

Then suddenly, she presses her thumbs on either side of my nose and she pushes hard.

 _Fuck!_

White hot pain explodes behind my eyes again and the stars are back. The agony makes my head swim and I squeeze her thighs to keep myself from falling over. My stomach churns and I grit my teeth in an attempt to not hurl all over her. Sakura floods my face with healing chakra and the pain dissipates just as quickly as she inflicted it. Then, she's whips off her over shirt and gently wipes the blood off my face. Her fingers are warm, so warm, and they leave a trail of electricity everywhere they've been. She runs them up and down the bridge of my nose and I'm can't be sure if she's just checking her handiwork or if it's something else. Her fingers fall to my lips and lingers there for a split second. It takes everything in me to resist the urge to dart my tongue out. The tender moment is lost when she pokes the beauty spot by my mouth and giggles.

"I guess Pakkun was telling the truth". She's amused. I'm not.

"What now?" I make a mental note of withholding treats from him for the rest of the week.

"It was years ago. Don't worry about it."

"Oh?"

I find the courage to finally look at her face. She tied up her hair in a ponytail before our spar, and some of her hair is now falling into her eyes. Against my better judgement, I reach up and tuck a stray lock behind her ear. The worry and concern is gone now, and all I see is warmth and affection in those endless pools of green. There's a coy smile on her lips and her eyes dart back and forth between mine and the rest of my face. Then suddenly, she presses a quick kiss at the corner of my mouth.

"I like your wart." She laughs as she slowly drags my hands off the tops of her legs.

 _Wait, when did that happen?_

I look down to see the red marks I've left on her creamy skin.

"It's not a wart." I mumble.

She laughs harder.

"Yes it is! And it's cute!"

I snort and pull my mask back up so she doesn't see the heat rising in my face. But she tilts her head, smiles so sweetly her nose crinkles, and leaves to rejoin the celebration of her victory. She doesn't invite me because she knows I won't go. She knows the last thing I want right now is some good natured ribbing from the entire village and so she doesn't ask me if I want to come.

(-)

Two weeks after the council's meeting on jounin promotions, Sakura's posing for a picture with her very emotional parents. Her smile is bright and her delight is written all over her face. After her parents leave to catch up with Ino's mother, she pulls Naruto, Sai and me in for a picture. It takes a lot of pushing and shoving between the three of them before they all find a spot they are happy with. When it's all done, she asks the photographer if he could take _just one more_ picture for her. The surly man rolls his eyes and gives her a gruff nod.

She spins around, grabs my arm and declares, "I want one of just us!"

Afterwards, as I'm trying to blink the spots out of my eyes, she threads her fingers through mine and squeezes.

"Thanks, Kakashi." She whispers.

(-)

Later that day, I'm at the bar with Genma and Sai waiting for the honored guest to show up. The door swings open, her friends hoot and Genma blows a low whistle.

I see why. Sakura's wearing a black dress that molds to her body like a second skin. It dips here and there to reveal the valley between her breasts and the bare curve of the small of her back. Her hair just touches the top of her freckled shoulders and her earrings glint in the flashing lights of the bar. She's swapped her boots for elegant open toed heels and her toes are painted a blood red. Before tonight, I didn't think I had a foot fetish. Her friends clamor around her and she thanks each of them for coming. But her eyes are wandering and she's searching for something. When her gaze settles in my direction, she smiles widely and my breath hitches. I raise my glass to her and she nods, that brilliant smile still on her face.

She comes to me later that night as I sit on top of Hokage Mountain. I've dismissed my guards and though they doth protest too much, the threat of cleaning out the daimyo's horse stables is enough to send them packing. After a day like today, I need to clear my mind and I need space to breathe.

She finds me with my mask down, staring out at the quiet village and plops down right next to me. Her feet are bare, her strappy shoes sitting in the grass beside her. There's a light shawl around her shoulders but it's summertime in Konoha and there's plenty of warmth left even though the sun had gone down a long time ago. My hands twitch with the need to pull my mask back up but it's Sakura. She's already seen my face and I trust her. I want to be OK with this and so I stick my hands into my pockets. If she notices my nervous fidgeting she doesn't say anything.

"Naruto is a terrible singer when he's drunk." She muses.

"I wasn't aware he was a good singer even when he's sober."

She chortles and I can't help but chuckle with her. We share a good long laugh and she wipes the tears at the corner of her eyes. She scooches closer and leans her head on my shoulder. She's wearing perfume today and it smells of cinnamon and roses.

We stay there in whispered conversations and silent musings until the dark sky starts to turn a deep blue and then a rich persimmon. We watch as the red rim of the sun pushes through the crest of the mountains and lights the tops of the trees on fire. We watch as the golden fingers of the sun reach to touch the windows of all the buildings in Konoha and turn them into little glinting mirrors. If stars could sparkle in the day, this must be what they look like.

"Wow…" She breathes.

"Wow indeed." I agree.

I thought I had seen it all.

(-)

Sakura comes to me a week after we watched that sunrise. She doesn't knock and throws the door open. She's breathing hard and her eyes are wide and wild.

"Is it true?" She demands.

I nod.

"Where is he?"

"Sakura…"

"Where is he, Kakashi?"

"The Uchiha cemetery probably."

She's gone before I can say anything else.

I was the first person Sasuke came to see. He had come to me to report the discoveries he's made on his travels that might be useful to the village. Years of wandering has left him with a slight tan and his clothes are dusty and tattered. But he looks well fed and healthy. He's much taller now and in another year, he might be as tall as I am. His voice is deeper too, but the bitter edge has softened and there's actually hints of warmth now when he speaks. When he is done delivering his report, he turns to leave.

"Will you be staying for good now?"

"…No. I still have much to see and much to learn." He sounds almost regretful.

"Where are you going now?"

"To see Naruto and then… my family."

It still hurts him. But we both know it's time for him to lay those demons to rest.

"Ah. And Sakura?"

He drops his eyes and mutters, "Aa."

And then he's gone. I'm not sure if that was a yes or no.

(-)

Word travels fast in this town and soon, Tsunade and Shizune is in my office.

"He doesn't want his prosthetic arm?"

I shake my head. Sasuke didn't tell me his reasons but I already know why. Pride and guilt are strange bedfellows and it's ironic that the two often coexist in the same plane. Sasuke won't accept a new arm because that would mean admitting that he actually needed someone's help. But he also carries the loss of his arm as a constant reminder of his sins. His act of penitence is to live his remaining days with that disability.

Tsunade hums in thought.

"Sakura must be happy to see him."

I'm not sure where Tsunade is going with this but I refuse to rise to the bait. She decides to push more buttons.

"After all, it's been years and I'm sure the both of them have a lot to catch up on."

I nod in polite agreement but my jaw is clenched so tightly my teeth hurt.

"Maybe Sakura will give him a reason to stay now. She's grown into quite the looker, after all." She wags her eyebrows at me and the salaciousness in her tone makes bile rise in the back of my throat.

I glower at her and my hands are now fists on my desk – an angry warning.

 _I dare you to say more._

She doesn't accept the challenge and laughs heartily. She motions to Shizune and flicks her manicured fingers at my door. Shizune, obedient and unwilling to be part of this conversation, nods and leaves quietly.

The door clicks shut softly and Tsunade leans out the window.

"Dismissed!"

Four chakra signatures disappear as Tsunade shuts the window and turns to regard me. I hadn't been aware that she had the authority to boss my personal bodyguards around.

"I told you it's OK to be selfish, didn't I?"

I know when I've been outed and I know it's useless to deny anything when it comes to Tsunade, so I don't even bother.

"She deserves someone who's not emotionally damaged like me…"

 _Kami, that sounded more pathetic than I thought it would._

Tsunade laughs again and I bristle.

"Oh, and you think Sasuke is that paragon of emotional security Sakura deserves, do you?"

I have no answer for her. We both know the traumatic death of his family and the revelation of Itachi's true mission has made him wary and glacially slow to open up. But he's young and he has more time to work on himself than I do.

"She deserves someone who's closer to her age." The excuse sounds as weak spoken out loud as it did in my head.

"Why?"

"She just does."

"Why? What can Sasuke or any other boy her age give her than you can't?"

I'm starting to get frustrated. All I want to do now is throw myself out the window. Conversations like these make me squirm in my seat like a child caught doing something he shouldn't have.

"I don't know, but she's better off with someone younger."

Tsunade snorts derisively.

"Hatake, you're an idiot."

My anger flashes bright white now. Elder or not, Tsunade has crossed a line. How can she be so blasé about this? How can she be so accepting of a romantic relationship between Sakura and me? Sakura is 14 years younger than I am. She is my personal medic and subordinate. Whispers of nepotism will follow her the rest of her shinobi career if we are together. All of her accomplishments will be called into question, especially her promotion to jounin. They will say I threw the fight to make her look good. Sakura has worked way too hard to be where she is today. I've seen the blood, sweat and tears she's poured into becoming the medic she is now. I won't do that to her and I burn at the thought that Tsunade would take the destruction of her beloved student's métier so lightly.

"Eh, wipe that scary look off your face, Kakashi." Her admonishment does nothing to quell the rage in my belly. But she leans forward and snarls. "If you thought Sakura was a difficult opponent, then you haven't faced me yet."

I cross my arms and sit back in my chair but my glare never leaves my predecessor's eyes. I have nothing to say, or rather there's nothing I could say that won't earn me another broken nose, so I wait to see if Tsunade is done.

"Have you told her?" The bite in her voice is gone and she sounds almost maternal.

"...No."

"Why not?"

"It will only ruin everything. She wants Sasuke."

Tsunade snorts.

"How do you know?"

"I just do."

"Don't insult her like that, Kakashi."

I frown at her chiding. How is it an insult to step aside for the sake of Sakura's happiness?

"I-"

"Give her more credit than that. You owe her that much."

Now it's my turn to snort. I may be a fool in Tsunade's eyes but I'm not that big of a fool.

"I know I owe her a lot. That's why I can't get involved."

The ache in my chest surprises me. Hearing those words from my own mouth only drove home the finality of the fact that Sakura isn't mine. She will never be mine. She is Sasuke's and Sasuke's only.

Tsunade opens her mouth but I wave her off.

"I was convenient. She was lonely and angry that he had left again. I was here and I was just a convenient stand in."

Tsunade narrows her eyes at me and this time, I'm too ashamed to look at her and so I'm left staring at my boots.

She moves to place one slim hand on my shoulder.

"You keep telling yourself that, Kakashi." She says softly. Her voice is full of regret and sympathy. She leans forward and plants a motherly kiss on my head.

I thought I had seen it all.

(-)

She comes to me a month after Sasuke leaves to continue on his journey of redemption. I had been avoiding her as much as I could. I tell myself it's because I want to give her space but really it's so I don't have to deal with the internal storm of my emotions.

I skip out on our daily lunches by taking over Iruka's classes at the academy. He had been thoroughly confused when the order came for him to leave for the Sand immediately.

" _But hokage-sama… My students?"_

" _Don't worry, I'll be taking over for a while."_

" _But why am I going to Suna?"_

" _I want you to observe their classes. I think an exchange of ideas is necessary to keep things fresh, don't you?"_

"… _Yes sir."_

It is his first mission outside Fire Country borders in 10 years.

When I tell Sakura the reason I won't be able to have lunches with her for a while, her eyes almost fall out of her head.

"But you hate the academy!"

Later, when I tell Sakura that our daimyo invited me over for saké the day of my scheduled monthly check up with her and that I accepted his invitation, she frowns and eyes me suspiciously.

"Since when do you actually enjoy spending time with the daimyo?"

By the end, when I tell Naruto and Sakura that I can't have ramen with them because I have too much paperwork, Naruto is dismayed but Sakura is silent. She doesn't say anything but her narrowed eyes and pursed lips convey plenty.

But there's only so much hiding I can do as the hokage and so she waits patiently for the right moment to strike.

For the second time in as many months, Sakura throws the door to my office open and barges in. Never mind that I'm currently in a meeting with the council. She is eerily calm and composed despite her unexpected entrance. There is a large tome in her hands and she drops it heavily on my desk.

Utatane Koharu and Mitokado Homura scowl their displeasure at Sakura's interruption, while Akimichi Chouza and Inuzuka Tsume regard her curiously. Tsunade, on the other hand, is sporting a Cheshire grin.

I peer at the cover.

 _ **Kohonagakure Shinobi Rules and Regulations**_

 _Huh?_

"Sakura…?"

She flips the book open to a dog eared page and begins to read.

"Proper Shinobi Conduct, Title 1a, section 2b – Relationships between Superiors and Subordinates."

She looks me right in the eyes and I'm not sure I like where this is going.

"Romantic relationships between a superior officer and a subordinate is strictly forbidden unless one or both parties involved chooses to retire from the force permanently. Punishment for all parties found to be in violation of this rule is a one year suspension without pay and a one rank demotion for the superior officer."

Now I'm thoroughly confused. And judging by the looks of the rest of the council members' faces, they are as equally bewildered.

 _Wait-, she's not thinking of retiring is she?_

"Sakura… What-?"

But she ignores me and reads on.

"However, the hokage being the superior of _all_ Konoha shinobi is naturally exemptfrom this rule."

She slams the book shut and crosses her arms in defiance. There's no doubt as to what her end game is now.

"What else you got?" She asks defiantly.

The council looks positively scandalized now and they are all on their feet in an instant, yelling accusations and demanding answers. Koharu loudly expresses her disbelief that the great Copy Ninja would stoop so low to seduce a woman so much younger than him while Homura angrily inquires as to how long I've been sexually grooming my former student. Tsunade tells him to shut his mouth and this provokes the elderly man to accuse her of abetting my deviant behavior to which she tells him rather impolitely to kiss her generous derriere. Chouza is appalled by Tsunade's colorful language and tries to appeal to her respect for her elders but he has severely misjudged her capacity to forgive and forget Homura's lack of confidence in her abilities when she was hokage. Tsume howls with laughter at the whole thing and asks Sakura how she managed to snag the hokage as a lover. This sets Koharu and Homura off further and they whip around to thrust their fingers at her, suggesting that perhaps she should reacquaint herself with the rules and regulations since she has proven very adept at breaking all of them herself. Her canine companion senses his master is being attacked and he barks his disapproval loudly.

My head is starting to pound with all the screaming and I rub my temples with my knuckles furiously. At this point, I'm just praying that all of this is just a horrible genjutsu and that I'm really a simple rice farmer living in the countryside with my pink haired wife and pack of dogs. But I know this is my reality and I look up to see Sakura. Her arms are still crossed and her eyes still focused on me. She has yet to say another word. Before I know it, I'm on my feet as well and the walls shake with the boom of my voice.

" **OUT.** "

The Council is stunned into silence and Sakura jumps. They stare at me with their mouths open and it gives me a small amount of satisfaction to see that Tsunade's mouth is agape as well.

I repeat myself when they don't move.

"All of you," I wave my hand at the council members, "Out."

"Kakashi, your behavior is-"

Homura displays his disappointment by using my name rather than my title but I don't give him a chance to finish his sentence.

"I said," I bite out through gritted teeth, "Get out."

Homura huffs and leaves the room in a swirl of robes. Koharu follows, muttering something about proper hokage behavior and how embarrassing this will be for Konoha. Choza slinks out as quickly as a man of his physical stature can, while Tsume gives Sakura a wicked grin. Tsunade merely nods, her lips quirked in a smug smile and suddenly, Sakura and I are all alone.

I collapse in my chair and pull my forehead protector off. I throw it onto my desk and it lands with a heavy clunk. When I was younger, the weight was familiar and welcomed. It reminded me of who I was and where I was from. I was proud to be a Kohona shinobi. I still am. I will be a Konoha shinobi till the day I die. But lately, the forehead feels less like a comfort and more like a burden. My office starts to feel a little stifling and I yank my mask down to ease the suffocating feeling that's threatening to overwhelm me.

Sakura comes around to my side of the desk, shoves a stack of paperwork onto the floor and boosts herself up to take its place. I open one eye to regard her wearily.

"Sakura… I had those all alphabetized."

Humor is also a common tool in my arsenal of defense mechanisms.

"Just get Kotetsu to do it again."

And despite the shit storm that is bound to happen after that outburst, I laugh at her retort.

She smiles, and oh kami, that smile.

"So..."

"So?"

"We should talk."

"Do we have to?"

"Kakashi..." The tone in her voice is admonishing. I guess it's time to be serious.

"Sakura... I don't know what you want from me but I can't give it you. Just because the rules say it's OK doesn't mean we should."

"Why shouldn't we? Kakashi, you know how I feel about you and I know you feel the same way. What's stopping us?"

"Too many things." I sigh.

"Tell me what they are."

"You know what they are." I insist.

"I really don't."

I shoot her a skeptical look but she's dead serious. She tilts her head at me and her face is open and honest.

"Sakura..."

"I really don't see any reason why we shouldn't give us a chance."

I shake my head at her. I wasn't expecting her to be this naïve.

"We shouldn't do this…"

"Stop hiding, Kakashi. Stop hiding from me, and stop running. You've been avoiding me for a while now. Didn't you think I would notice? This is why I had to do this. I had to force you out in the open."

"…Did you have to do it in front of the council though?" Gods, did I just whine?

"I wanted to make a statement."

"You sure did…."

"Tell me, Kakashi. Tell me why we shouldn't do this."

"I'm too old, Sakura. I'm already in my thirties and I've never been in a serious relationship. I don't know how to be in one. I don't know how to share my life with someone and it's too late to learn."

She scoffs.

"You're only 34 and there's plenty of time to learn yet." She reaches for my hand and twine her fingers with mine. "We'll learn together."

"Aren't you bothered by the fact that I'm 14 years older than you? Sakura, I was already a jounin when you were born."

"So? What does that matter? Kakashi, we've fought in a war together. We beat the mother of chakra. We've lost loved ones and watched as our village was leveled to the ground. The life of a shinobi is a hard one. It doesn't matter if we are genin or hokage, we all suffer and bleed the same. In our field of work, any day could be our last. So no, I'm not bothered by little things like that."

"Why not? How can you be so calm about this?" She is so at ease with this while I'm floundering and it thoroughly exasperates me.

"Because I know you. I know the man you are and that's all that matters."

"It's not that simple, Sakura. I... I've done many terrible things in my life. I'm not the man you deserve."

Even though I feel completely unworthy of her, I can't help but run my hand up and down her arm. Her skin feels just as soft as I imagined it would. It feels like warm silk. She shivers under my touch and reaches up to caress my bare cheek. Now it's my turn to shiver.

"Kakashi, we've all done terrible things. Let the gods determine the weight of our sins. All I know is you're a good man."

"How do you know?"

"I see it in everything you do. When Sasuke and Naruto fought on the hospital rooftop, all I could was watch and cry. But you came to make sure I was doing OK and you haven't stopped doing that since. No matter how bad things are, you always make sure I'm OK first. You give and give so much but you take nothing for yourself. You never aspired to be Hokage and yet here you are because the village needs you. You hide behind your lame jokes and smutty books and you pretend you don't care by being late to everything. But I know that you do. I know that you care very deeply. That's the kind of man you are."

My heart skips a beat.

"I…" _What do I even say to that?_ "You think my jokes are lame?"

Sakura rolls those beautiful, expressive eyes at me and mutters something about black cats and getting lost on the road to life.

"Yes." She finally deadpans.

"But that's part of my charm, right?"

I flash her a cheesy grin and she bursts into a fit of giggles.

"I like your brain better than your 'charm'."

"Oh?" I raise an eyebrow at her. She smiles and squeezes my hand tighter.

"When they made you one of the generals, I was so proud and so relieved. I knew you would do your best to keep all of us safe. That brain of yours kept so many of us alive. You evened the odds that were stacked against us and then some. If it wasn't for you, we wouldn't have beaten Kaguya. Even Hagoromo himself said so. Besides, it's really satisfying to see you beat Shikamaru at shogi."

"Oh? I guess it's good to know I'm more than just a pretty face."

I'm intrigued when a blush starts to spread across her cheeks.

"You do have a pretty face..." She murmurs. I can't help but laugh at her and she turns a shade redder. She kicks at my shin but I grab the back of her booted calf and pull her onto my lap. Her indignant squeak makes me laugh harder.

"Still think I'm worth your time and affection?"

She harrumphs and crosses her arms.

"You can't get rid of me that easily."

"Good, because I don't want to..." Her eyes widen at my admission and she bites down on her bottom lip to keep herself from grinning.

But there's still the elephant in the room that is the last remaining Uchiha.

"Sakura…" I take a deep breath. "What about Sasuke?"

She laughs, but there's no bitterness or resentment in her voice.

"What about him?"

"I thought you would be happy to see him."

"I was. I'm happy that he's safe and healthy. I'm happy that this journey he's on has changed him. I'm happy that he's finding the peace he's been looking for. But… he's not the one I want."

"Why me then? Of all the men in Konoha, why did you choose me?"

She clutches my face and shakes her head at me.

"You silly man."

"Sakura, I'm serious. Why me? If you're looking for a smart man or a selfless man, there are others out there."

She arches an eyebrow at the pleading tone in my voice and chuckles. But she knows me and so she indulges my insecurities.

"Kakashi, you've never left my side. Ever since I graduated from the academy, all I've known is change and flux. First, Sasuke left. Then Naruto did too. But you-you were always there beside me. You were the only constant I had."

"But I was a terrible teacher to you. I ignored you."

It pains me to admit it, but it's the truth. Sakura had always been an afterthought in our missions and training sessions. Yes, I was in the village after the boys had left, but she had become Tsunade's apprentice by then and I saw little of her. It wasn't until Naruto returned that I learned of her new abilities. What kind of teacher does that make me?

All Sakura does at my admission is laugh.

"You had a brooding Uchiha hell bent on revenge and the human container for a malevolent beast to deal with. I think it's fair to say you had your hands full. Besides, I was a simple kunoichi with no real talent."

"Sakura… Don't say that." I frown at her unjust assessment of herself. Her chakra control is superior to mine – she just hadn't known it yet then.

"I'm not saying that to make you feel better. I'm merely stating the truth. The village asked a lot of you by making you the sensei for both Sasuke and Naruto. You did the best you could. And I was a silly little girl who only cared about my looks."

"And now you're one of the best kunoichi in her generation. You're trained by one of the Sannin herself. You're strong and talented and beautiful. What could _I_ possibly give you?"

She raps my forehead with her knuckles.

"Ouch!"

"You know, Tsunade-sama is right. You can be such an idiot sometimes."

 _Oh_ _boy…_

"Oh, good to know you've been talking to her about this…"

"She's my teacher and I needed to talk to someone. If I went to Ino, the entire village would have known that I had a crush on the hokage."

She blushes prettily at her own words.

"Had?" I don't even try to hide my amusement and her face reddens even more. But she sticks her chin out and continues undeterred.

"I thought it was a crush at first. I thought it was because Sasuke left again and I was alone once more. So I ignored it and hoped it was just a passing infatuation. But as time went on and as we spent more time together, I knew it wasn't just a crush. I began to see you less and less as my teacher but more and more as a man. A flawed but good man entirely worthy of love. I look back at all the things you've done and I only wish I had seen it sooner. But - what's in the past is in the past, there's only the future."

She pauses and takes a deep shuddering breath as though she's steeling herself for something.

"Kakashi, I want us to have a future together."

I swallow the lump in my throat. I never imagined this for myself. I've been alone for so long, I just assumed that I would continue to be alone. It was supposed to be my lot to go through the rest of my life by myself. To watch as my friends get married and have children and grow old together. I never thought I would have a chance at happiness. But now, that dream is within my reach and I'm absolutely petrified. Can I do this? Can I make Sakura happy? Am I capable of loving this amazing woman? All these questions fly around in my head and I don't even know where to start.

The silence stretches uncomfortably and Sakura starts to fidget in my lap.

"Kakashi," She is chewing on her lip nervously now, "what are you thinking?"

I look up at her and I still don't have the answers to my questions, but I want to try. I want her.

"Are you sure about this, Sakura? Are you sure about me? I'm old, I-"

Sakura reaches for my bare face and cuts me off with a kiss. It's tentative at first. Hesitant and unsure. She's not sure where to put her mouth or how to move her lips, but she's trying and I can feel the desire radiating from her. She moves her hand onto my cheek and then to the back of my neck. Electricity runs down my spine and into my toes. Her other hand sneaks up to fist the fabric of my sleeve and she pulls me in deeper. My hands find their way to her waist and she shivers when my fingertips make contact with the strip of exposed flesh between the hems of her shirt and pants. I return her kiss with equal fervency and she moans her approval.

Part of me screams that this isn't right. She was my student. She's my subordinate. She's too young. I'm too old. But the part that is drunk on her scent and her lips drowns out all my fears. All there is right now is that Sakura in my arms and that her lips are moving on mine. She is entirely intoxicating and she occupies and dominates all my senses. There is nothing but her and me right now. I flick my tongue out to savor her. She tastes like juice and honey and my addled brain thinks this must be what heaven tastes like. The fingers in my hair tighten and I take that a good sign so I thrust my tongue in her mouth again. This time she meets me with hers and we begin a different kind of dance. Our tongues clash and we revel in exploring one another's mouth.

My blood roars in my ears and my heart thumps painfully in my chest. My lips are on fire and I can't help but moan into hers. She shivers again and now both her hands are in my hair and she pulls me deeper yet. She breathes my name again and again and no one has ever said my name like that before. My name tastes like ambrosia on her lips.

 _Kami, I don't know what I did to have such a wonderful woman but I promise that I will do right by her the rest of my days. I promise that she will never want for anything. I promise I will love her as long as she will have me. Oh kami._

We finally surface gasping for air and she drops her head on my shoulder, panting hard. I don't remember the last time I kissed a woman, but I know it has never ever felt like _this_. I catch her chin and tilt her head so I can see her face. She looks at me through eyes hooded with desire and tenderness all rolled into one and it _floors me_. How can her eyes convey all that emotion? How is that possible? It's a whirlpool of yearning, adoration and devotion. I'm drowning in them. I never thought someone could look at me that way. And then it hits me – that emotion I've seen again and again in her eyes over the years, the one that has eluded me for so long - I know what it is now.

I thought I had seen it all.

(-)

Sakura comes to me a year after she takes over Tsunade's position as head of hospital. Her workload has increased exponentially and it often keeps her busy till the late hours of the night. Her hair is tousled and she's wearily rubbing the sleep from her eyes. I had hoped that she would snooze a little longer but years of waking up before the sun is a hard habit to break.

"Kakashi?" She mumbles sleepily.

I beckon for her to join me on the porch of our house. She plods over and sets herself on my lap. The cool morning air makes her shiver and I wrap my arms around her. She purrs happily and leans into my embrace a little more.

"Rough day at the hospital?"

She snorts.

"Suna has come a long way in training their medics but it's amazing how many of them can't perform a simple craniotomy."

I've seen her perform it once and calling it simple is the same thing as saying that Naruto has a mild preference for ramen. But for a surgeon of her caliber, cutting a man's skull open must seem like child's play.

"Well, one more month and you get a break from it for a little while." I murmur as I bury my face in her hair.

"I can't wait. My feet were killing me by lunch time!" She grumbles and pulls my arms tighter around her.

"Well, they wouldn't if you wore more sensible shoes."

"My shoes are sensible!"

"They have heels on them."

"Just short ones... Besides they make my legs and my butt look great."

"That they do." I agree emphatically.

She slaps my shoulder playfully and I grab her wrists to pin them on her chest. I know she could break out of my hold if she wanted to, but she struggles halfheartedly for sport and gives up.

"Oh! I've been meaning to tell you something funny!" She twists to look at me and smiles impishly.

"Oh?"

"Two days ago, I was looking for milk in the cafeteria and of course they had them all the way at the bottom of the freezer. So I had to bend over to get a carton, right? Well, one of the visiting medics from Suna must have walked in just as I bent over and he… he…" Sakura ducks her head and giggles, "He wolf-whistled me! The look on his face when I turned around and he got a good look at my belly..."

She bursts out in mirthful laughter but I scowl.

"You didn't happen to get his name, did you...?"

"He was just a kid, Kakashi." She waves one hand dismissively.

"He was ogling the Hokage's wife." I replied dryly.

"He didn't know who I until it was too late! Besides, it's nice to know I still have it even though I feel like a school bus."

"Please tell me it's only one of them in there..."

"Yes! Hinata said she only saw one chakra signature."

"Good. Although I'm already planning on assigning genin teams on babysitting duties."

"Isn't that an abuse of your power?"

"What's the point of having power if you can't abuse it?"

Sakura chuckles and I don't think I will ever tire of her laughter. She leans her head back on my shoulder and I turn my head to kiss her – my wife. It's been 5 years and it all seems like a dream still. But it's real because she's right here in my arms and I can't help but kiss her even harder.

When we pull apart, there's a rosiness on her cheeks. She licks her swollen lips.

"Kakashi?"

"Hmm?"

"I should shower. I have another busy day ahead of me."

"OK."

Sakura stands and makes her way to the bathroom. Even though her belly is now round with child, she still moves with the nimbleness of a female warrior. She is grace and strength and fire wrapped up in the warm, soft body of a woman. I watch as the muscles in her legs flex and tense as she moves around our home. I watch as the morning sun streams in to caress her freckled skin and her silken hair. She is glowing with the promise of life and she looks like an Earth goddess.

She catches me staring.

"Kakashi?"

"Hmm?"

She smiles and her face so full of love and warmth it makes my heart _ache_. All I can do is smile back stupidly.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

I really thought I had seen it all. I guess not.

* * *

A/N: I debated with myself on whether or not to include the final scene. I wasn't sure if a fluffy ending would fit in with the story especially since the beginning started out very raw. Then I debated with myself on whether or not to toss out the pseudo prologue where Kakashi is recounting his experiences. But I wanted to keep that because he is a soldier and that is a large, large part of who he is and it colors everything he does. At the same time, I wanted to illustrate that he was capable and deserving of happiness so I decided to keep the ending as well. I hope it was an enjoyable read regardless. :)


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